A Summer of Shortcomings

Wow, the summer is almost gone. In just a few days, I will be heading back to New Tribes Bible Institute to complete my second year of study as I continue to pursue missions. It has been an interesting summer, and it would be a lie to say I floated through it easily. I saw a lot of my own problems as I went through this summer and I learned a lot through it.

There were a lot of my own shortcomings I faced, but I also saw what God’s word says about it during my studies.

I worry about everything… a lot.

I way this in myself constantly this summer. I worried about my friends that I was away from. I worried about my future and my relationship. I worried about how I reacted to the people around me. I worried about where the money for this coming semester was going to come from. In short, if there was something I could worry about, I did,

Matthew 6:31-33 “Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

Philippians 4:6-7 “do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

There are so many verses about worry in the Bible. God says so many times that we should not worry. He also talks about the remedy of worry- Keeping my mind on Him and being constantly in prayer. When I worry, instead of obsessing and stressing, my first response should be to come to God in prayer.

I don’t think about what I say as often as I should.

From time to time, my mouth opens before my brain thinks it through, or I just end up saying more than I should. And when that happens, it is almost exclusively insulting, rude or hurtful. Most of these times I end up regretting what I say and wish I could take it back.

Proverbs 10:19 “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Proverbs 12:18 “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

Proverbs 13:3 “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life: he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.”

I spent the first part of the summer studying the wisdom of Proverbs, and all it has to say about the tongue hit me hard. It talks a lot about restraining your words and thinking through them before speaking. Many words are not usually good or necessary, and choosing just a few words wisely is almost invariably more effective, as well as less hurtful.

When I am having problems, I tend to bury them.

Whenever I am upset or hurting, I hide it. I tend to not let anyone know, and even go so far as to lie about it so that no one will know I am hurting. I will disappear to be on my own and want nothing to do with anyone else.

Ephesians 4:25 “Therefore, having put away falsehood let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.”

1 Corinthians 12:12-13 “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.”

1 Corinthians 12:25-26 “…but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.” 

When I make the choice to lie about my suffering and hurt, I am injuring the body by not getting the help I may need at that point in time. When I hide my hurt, it gets worse and eventually it shows itself worse than before and hurts the others around me. I am not just an individual living my own life, I am part of a body and my emotions and problems affect more than just me and I need to be conscious of that.

Those are just a few of the lessons I’ve learned this last summer. I don’t think I would have room to talk about everything I have learned, including things about patience and anger. God has really worked on showing me my own shortcomings this summer and showing me how He thinks about them. I can’t say my problems are gone or my issues are conquered, but God is good and He will continue to teach as I continue to fail. 

Easter is Enough

Easter Sunday. A day we celebrate Christ’s rising from the dead, His victory over death. The end of the weekend where we contemplate His suffering and the horrendous death He faced, along with the separation from the Father. Sunday. A day of remembrance and celebration.

And then it becomes Monday. Maybe we still take a moment to think about it, to send a quick “thank you” kind of shout out to God for His salvation. Then it becomes Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… and soon the celebration of the resurrection is nothing more than a distant memory and we have pushed it to the back of our minds for another year.

It doesn’t take long for us to get back into the routine of our lives and for us to forget the great things He has done for us. And even beyond forgetting, we start to backslide from joyous remembrance to angry disappointment. We are once again faced with the trials and struggles of life and we may even turn back to god to shake our fist at Him; to blame Him for our problems.

I am as guilty of this as anyone. When things are hard for me, I don’t turn to what he has done for me. I look as what He hasn’t done. When a friend from high school drowned, I asked God how He could do that. When my mom was suffering from cancer and it took her just months after my friend had died, I couldn’t understand God’s choosing not to heal her or why He couldn’t have at least given me some time to grieve for my friend. As I fight a daily battle with depression, I ask God why He hasn’t taken it from me. Every time I’m faced with the difficulties of life, I don’t run into His arms; I turn my back on Him and scream at Him.

And yet, look at what He has done for me.

I think back to a week ago at school when we had a speaker come in. I remember one thing he said clearer than any other; If God never did anything for us beyond saving us, that is enough. As first I blanched back from this. I couldn’t understand how this man speaking could say that. My thoughts were along the lines of, what about that is wrong with the world? Pain, death, disaster… How can this man say that God’s done enough? And then I thought about it. God paid the ultimate cost for us by taking on human form through the Person of Christ. He saved people who should be nothing to Him. People who, as a race, had turned their back on Him.

In our human thoughts, the proper response to betrayal is to, in turn, turn our backs on the betrayer. However God, in His infinite love and grace decided to do the unthinkable from a human perspective; He reconciled us to Himself.

So I guess now I have to ask myself the other question; how can I say that what He has done isn’t enough?

Who am I to judge what God does when He has already taken care of the worst fate that humanity can face through His Son, and all we have to do to have this salvation is to believe? If God stepped back and just let the world run its course in this present evil age, He has still done enough. He would have been just to condemn the whole world to hell and He chose a different course.

I know that I’m not going to always remember this in the hard times, but I know that what we celebrate today is enough. Christ’s death and resurrection is more than we deserve. Easter is enough. I pray that as this day passes and we move on with our lives that He would bring into our remembrance that He truly has done enough.

He is Risen. 

Human Thought for Heavenly Worship

“What’s God done for you? After what you’ve been through, how can you still praise him?” I have heard that question so many times from my non-believing friends since the time that my mom died. They all believe that since this God of mine took my mother away while I was only 15 that I should hate Him for it. They believe that I should have turned my back on Him when He allowed me to watch the cancer slowly desolate her. It showed me their faulty knowledge of my God, and it also made me think, why do I worship? What’s the point? It even made me doubt for a time as I wrestled with that question and my anger at Him. Even through this time however, I never turned away from Him, even though at times I wasn’t sure why. Now however, I know that there are so many reasons to, and my human mind will never exhaust all of the reasons to.

                 So why worship?

                 Because I am nothing and He is everything.

                 As someone who has dealt with depression and even attempted suicide, I know what it’s like to come to the end of myself, to see myself as utterly despondent and needy and having seemly no reason to continue on. However, even though I tried to end it, God didn’t let me. I woke up. I have realized that I am worthless; nothing, especially in comparison to an almighty, perfect and matchless God. Yet He gives me worth. He has loved me, a nothing, so much that He redeemed me and gave my life through His son.

                 Because He is our Creator.

                 How many times have I found myself worshipping the created things, and yet not taking the time to worship the Creator of those things? He didn’t just create a monotone world with very little. He created a world of color and beauty. He has given us everything we could ever need and so much more and that alone is a reason to bow before Him.

                 Because He desires a relationship with us.

                 God didn’t just create us and leave us to fend for ourselves; He wants us to know Him. He has given us the Word to reveal Himself, and even in that, given us His personal name, Yahweh, to call Him by. He is not some far off deity that many cultures worship and He does not need to be manipulated. He allows us to come before Him in confidence and to talk to Him openly. Through Christ, we are allowed to stand boldly before God in a way that we could have never before and that is amazing.

                 Because He never changes, He never has and He never will.

                 This particular reason became quite clear to me soon after my mom died. My life will change, and so will my heart, but God will not. He is consistent and because He never changes, neither will what He says. He isn’t an indecisive being and He does not change His mind. My mother dying did not change who God was. His taking of her did not make Him less trustworthy or less powerful. It did not make Him a villain or someone that was worthy of my hatred. It did not make Him anything less than what He had been before.

                 Because God is powerful, all-knowing and all-wise.

                 God is capable of anything. He has the power to bring about any disaster or any miracle. He also has knowledge greater than the universe and He knows how to use it. There is never any doubting in God’s mind and nothing ever surprises Him. The only questions he asks are the ones to make us search ourselves.

                 Because God is good.

                 This one ties in with the last point quite a bit. If the all-powerful, all-knowing and all-wise God is also good than we need to trust Him. He doesn’t sit on His heavenly throne, wringing his proverbial hands and wondering what He is going to do in some situations. He is never out of control. Therefore, when he allows difficulties into our lives, we need to believe that He is bringing things about for His purposes. It isn’t easy to believe this in the moment, but looking back in life, God always has a plan. We may not see it this side of life, but that’s why we need to trust that in His eternal self, He has things under control.

                 So why worship?

                 The ultimately reason to worship God is this; because God is God. He is the great I AM. He is everything when we are nothing. He is higher than anything our finite minds can conjure up and He will always be that. He has always existed and will never die. He is infinite, we are finite. He is holy, we are sinners. He is good, we are evil. He is everything that we are not and that alone is reason enough to worship.                                                               

                 

God Plus.. What?

So, as I’ve continued my studies at New Tribes, I’ve found myself learning so much in my classes; God’s faithfulness, judgment, mercy and so many other things. However, many of the hardest personal lessons I’ve come to learn aren’t learned in class. Sure, they may be brought up by a piece of class or a chapel lesson, but they only hit me when I’m sitting on my own, in silence before my LORD.

Something that I’ve found myself struggling with is trust. I’m willing to do what God says, if He shows me where He’s directing me. I’m willing to go the distance, as long as He makes it clear how He will provide for me in that. I will follow in His footsteps if…

And that’s where He’s been hitting me lately, right in the if.

In chapel, one of our teachers read a simple quote, God plus nothing. At first, I nodded to it, without even applying it to myself. Pretty much, my thought line was, that sounds great. God plus nothing. Why not?

And that’s when He drew my attention. I realized that I don’t truly follow that statement. For me it’s always God plus… It’s God plus safety, God plus provision, God plus people, God plus reassurance… God plus something.

I don’t trust Him enough to put my trust in Him alone.

I may be going in the direction that He has been showing me for my life, but it’s always with those thoughts in the back of my minds. It’s always needing a second opinion about what He’s showing me. I can’t seem to do anything without something extra besides God. My sight is always on the how of getting things done, and not the Who that holds those things, and the whole world, in His hands.

Proverbs 16:3 tells us, Commit your work to the LORD and your plans will be established. If we commit what we do to God, then He will mold our plans into His own, and He always brings about what is best ultimately. That might not mean safety or ease. It could mean disappointment and discouragement. However, God knows the future and He knows what will happen. I need to trust Him in that.

If He shows me a path that seems difficult, my first response needs to not be, how am I going to conquer this? It should be, God’s got this. I’m going to fix my eyes on Him and trust Him.

I don’t want to be like Peter, who took his eyes of Jesus on the water. He let the fear of what he was doing overtake him and looked away from his Savior. That’s when he sank.

Life isn’t about fear. It’s not God plus the waves or God plus the storm. I can’t let the if I’ve leaned on so long to be the factor that controls me when I find myself climbing up a mountain that seems too steep for me. Instead of focusing on the mountain, I want to fixate on my Savior.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

If God has me doing something, then He will make me capable or it. It’s not me that makes it possible or other people’s opinions that matter. It’s simply Him that is what needs to be relied on.

God plus nothing.