“You’re worthless… you
aren’t as good as the rest of them… they don’t really want you around; they’re
just trying to be nice… You will never measure up… you’ll always be second best...
no one wants you around… you aren’t doing any good here.”
Those were the words I heard inside of my head today as I
laid on the floor in tears today. It wasn’t my voice, and I knew it. It was the
voice that I thought I had banished from my head close to three years ago; the
same one that lead me into depression, pushed me to cut myself and almost
caused me to end my own life.
I haven’t heard that voice in so many years, and I’ll admit,
when it emerged, I was scared. I had thought it was gone from me forever until
now. And after I recovered from the shock and fear, I thought; why now? Why when I’m here doing what I’m
supposed to be doing and serving the Lord?
Then I realized that that’s exactly why it is happening;
because I’m devoting myself to serving God. I am being a force for Him and to
expect no opposition would be foolish. When you are devoting yourself to
fighting for God, the enemy will not make it easy for you. I was reminded of
that today. My most vulnerable point was struck and it hurt. As a matter of
fact, on an emotional level it was excruciating.
However, the difficulty of spiritual warfare and the
reminder of my past were not the only things that hit me today.
Just listen up for a second. This is where things get good.
I was reminded of God’s faithfulness to those who trust in
Him and who cry out to Him.
As I lay on the ground, I didn’t even know what to say, but
I knew I had to talk to Him. He was the only one who could keep me from the
place I reached three years ago. There was nothing eloquent, nothing formal
that I could say. It was simply “God, save me from this. Please God…”
At first nothing seemed to happen. I eventually found the
strength to stop the tears and to walk out, but the voice still lingered. I
tried to ignore it and decided I would go watch the soccer game that the kids
were playing. I started walking toward the field and was stopped by one of the
missionaries on campus. She asked me what was going on, and I told her, despite
the voice fighting me. I told her that I felt worthless, that I felt life I
couldn’t measure up to the other interns on campus and that I wasn’t anything
like them.
That’s when she said something that the little voice didn’t
know how to respond to. She said, “Rachel, you aren’t here to be David or
Hannah, or anyone else. You are here to be Rachel. No one else is like you and
God is using your individual personality to help in a way that no one else
can.” She then reminded me of how I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. And
the little voice that had been nagging me suddenly went silent.
God used one of the other missionaries to reach me. He knew
exactly what I needed to hear and used one of His people to show me that.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is just to put your trust
in God, especially when you are being spiritually attacked. He is a good God,
and as it says in Psalm 147, He is healing and understanding.
“He heals the
brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars;
he gives all of them their names. Great is our Lord, and abundant in power; his
understanding is beyond measure.” Psalm 147:3-5
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