Mourning into Dancing

“And I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them and give them gladness for sorrow” –Jeremiah 31:13

There is no escaping life’s grief. No matter who you are, you will face difficulties. You can’t control that. It takes time (and a lot of it) to heal. It changes you, but not necessarily in a bad way. I know for me, my grief changed me for the better.

I’d like to tell you this part of my story.

I was pretty young, only 14 at the time. I had thought everything was going great. Then my mom started not feeling well on a pretty consistent basis and had trouble breathing. She went to the doctor’s and found out she had fluid on her lungs. They told her it was probably pneumonia, but they wanted to do some tests, just to be sure.

A week or two later, the doctor called and told her to come in. I remember when she came home clearly. She was trying not to cry. That’s when she told us she had cancer. It was a huge shock to my family. I don’t know about the rest of my family, but I was mad. I was furious with God for doing this to her.

Strangely enough, she wasn’t. She was the one who was suffering, and she wasn’t mad. I saw my mom’s faith lived out while she was suffering and as we started spending more time together, it reflected onto me and I noticed my faith changing through her example.

She had a lot of ups and downs throughout the next year. And one night she ended up in the hospital.

Two nights before I was supposed to leave for a missions trip in Guatemala.

I went to visit her in the hospital the night before, and told her I didn’t want to go. She insisted I did. I was scared to leave her, but I couldn’t disappoint her. So I went.

I used the week down there to really reflect on my relationship with God. I spent a lot of early mornings in the Word with Him, and one passage kept sticking out to me. The 23 psalm.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want

He makes me lie down in green pastures

He leads me beside still waters

                He restores my soul

He leads me in paths of righteousness

                For His name’s sake

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

                I will fear no evil

For You are with me

                Your rod and Your staff

                They comfort me

You prepare a table before me

                In the presence of my enemies

You anoint my head with oil

                My cups overflows

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me        

                All the days of my life

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

This passage became my lifeline. I realized that this was the attitude my mom has, no matter what. I prayed for the same peace and faith that He had given to her. And, with continued earnest prayer and seeking throughout that week, He did. If He hadn’t I would not be in the same place I am today.

One the way home, I got a phone call from my father. He told me that my mom had died. I was only an hour away from home when it happened. I hadn’t even got to see her and say good bye.

I cried harder that night then I have ever before and anytime since. But at the same time, I was at peace. I knew that she was with the God she trusted and that she was far better off than she had ever been here on earth.

That realization, of her living better after her death, became the cornerstone of the new path that my life took. I realized that she had had that promise, and so do I and many others. However I also realized that there are many people who don’t have the Word, let alone the promise for life with God. I decided then that I would take the Word to these unreached peoples as a missionary.

This change in heart would have never occurred without losing my mother. I miss her more than words can describe, but I know she is with our Lord now. And I also know that I would never be taking the steps to follow God that I am now without this.

I’m not saying that it gets easy right away, or that it gets easy at all. But it can be necessary to become the person God is leading you to be. We are molded through our pain and shaped through our grief, and though it may seem impossible to face, you can get through is and God may just manifest Himself through it in ways you never thought possible.