Easter is Enough

Easter Sunday. A day we celebrate Christ’s rising from the dead, His victory over death. The end of the weekend where we contemplate His suffering and the horrendous death He faced, along with the separation from the Father. Sunday. A day of remembrance and celebration.

And then it becomes Monday. Maybe we still take a moment to think about it, to send a quick “thank you” kind of shout out to God for His salvation. Then it becomes Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… and soon the celebration of the resurrection is nothing more than a distant memory and we have pushed it to the back of our minds for another year.

It doesn’t take long for us to get back into the routine of our lives and for us to forget the great things He has done for us. And even beyond forgetting, we start to backslide from joyous remembrance to angry disappointment. We are once again faced with the trials and struggles of life and we may even turn back to god to shake our fist at Him; to blame Him for our problems.

I am as guilty of this as anyone. When things are hard for me, I don’t turn to what he has done for me. I look as what He hasn’t done. When a friend from high school drowned, I asked God how He could do that. When my mom was suffering from cancer and it took her just months after my friend had died, I couldn’t understand God’s choosing not to heal her or why He couldn’t have at least given me some time to grieve for my friend. As I fight a daily battle with depression, I ask God why He hasn’t taken it from me. Every time I’m faced with the difficulties of life, I don’t run into His arms; I turn my back on Him and scream at Him.

And yet, look at what He has done for me.

I think back to a week ago at school when we had a speaker come in. I remember one thing he said clearer than any other; If God never did anything for us beyond saving us, that is enough. As first I blanched back from this. I couldn’t understand how this man speaking could say that. My thoughts were along the lines of, what about that is wrong with the world? Pain, death, disaster… How can this man say that God’s done enough? And then I thought about it. God paid the ultimate cost for us by taking on human form through the Person of Christ. He saved people who should be nothing to Him. People who, as a race, had turned their back on Him.

In our human thoughts, the proper response to betrayal is to, in turn, turn our backs on the betrayer. However God, in His infinite love and grace decided to do the unthinkable from a human perspective; He reconciled us to Himself.

So I guess now I have to ask myself the other question; how can I say that what He has done isn’t enough?

Who am I to judge what God does when He has already taken care of the worst fate that humanity can face through His Son, and all we have to do to have this salvation is to believe? If God stepped back and just let the world run its course in this present evil age, He has still done enough. He would have been just to condemn the whole world to hell and He chose a different course.

I know that I’m not going to always remember this in the hard times, but I know that what we celebrate today is enough. Christ’s death and resurrection is more than we deserve. Easter is enough. I pray that as this day passes and we move on with our lives that He would bring into our remembrance that He truly has done enough.

He is Risen. 

Human Thought for Heavenly Worship

“What’s God done for you? After what you’ve been through, how can you still praise him?” I have heard that question so many times from my non-believing friends since the time that my mom died. They all believe that since this God of mine took my mother away while I was only 15 that I should hate Him for it. They believe that I should have turned my back on Him when He allowed me to watch the cancer slowly desolate her. It showed me their faulty knowledge of my God, and it also made me think, why do I worship? What’s the point? It even made me doubt for a time as I wrestled with that question and my anger at Him. Even through this time however, I never turned away from Him, even though at times I wasn’t sure why. Now however, I know that there are so many reasons to, and my human mind will never exhaust all of the reasons to.

                 So why worship?

                 Because I am nothing and He is everything.

                 As someone who has dealt with depression and even attempted suicide, I know what it’s like to come to the end of myself, to see myself as utterly despondent and needy and having seemly no reason to continue on. However, even though I tried to end it, God didn’t let me. I woke up. I have realized that I am worthless; nothing, especially in comparison to an almighty, perfect and matchless God. Yet He gives me worth. He has loved me, a nothing, so much that He redeemed me and gave my life through His son.

                 Because He is our Creator.

                 How many times have I found myself worshipping the created things, and yet not taking the time to worship the Creator of those things? He didn’t just create a monotone world with very little. He created a world of color and beauty. He has given us everything we could ever need and so much more and that alone is a reason to bow before Him.

                 Because He desires a relationship with us.

                 God didn’t just create us and leave us to fend for ourselves; He wants us to know Him. He has given us the Word to reveal Himself, and even in that, given us His personal name, Yahweh, to call Him by. He is not some far off deity that many cultures worship and He does not need to be manipulated. He allows us to come before Him in confidence and to talk to Him openly. Through Christ, we are allowed to stand boldly before God in a way that we could have never before and that is amazing.

                 Because He never changes, He never has and He never will.

                 This particular reason became quite clear to me soon after my mom died. My life will change, and so will my heart, but God will not. He is consistent and because He never changes, neither will what He says. He isn’t an indecisive being and He does not change His mind. My mother dying did not change who God was. His taking of her did not make Him less trustworthy or less powerful. It did not make Him a villain or someone that was worthy of my hatred. It did not make Him anything less than what He had been before.

                 Because God is powerful, all-knowing and all-wise.

                 God is capable of anything. He has the power to bring about any disaster or any miracle. He also has knowledge greater than the universe and He knows how to use it. There is never any doubting in God’s mind and nothing ever surprises Him. The only questions he asks are the ones to make us search ourselves.

                 Because God is good.

                 This one ties in with the last point quite a bit. If the all-powerful, all-knowing and all-wise God is also good than we need to trust Him. He doesn’t sit on His heavenly throne, wringing his proverbial hands and wondering what He is going to do in some situations. He is never out of control. Therefore, when he allows difficulties into our lives, we need to believe that He is bringing things about for His purposes. It isn’t easy to believe this in the moment, but looking back in life, God always has a plan. We may not see it this side of life, but that’s why we need to trust that in His eternal self, He has things under control.

                 So why worship?

                 The ultimately reason to worship God is this; because God is God. He is the great I AM. He is everything when we are nothing. He is higher than anything our finite minds can conjure up and He will always be that. He has always existed and will never die. He is infinite, we are finite. He is holy, we are sinners. He is good, we are evil. He is everything that we are not and that alone is reason enough to worship.                                                               

                 

God Plus.. What?

So, as I’ve continued my studies at New Tribes, I’ve found myself learning so much in my classes; God’s faithfulness, judgment, mercy and so many other things. However, many of the hardest personal lessons I’ve come to learn aren’t learned in class. Sure, they may be brought up by a piece of class or a chapel lesson, but they only hit me when I’m sitting on my own, in silence before my LORD.

Something that I’ve found myself struggling with is trust. I’m willing to do what God says, if He shows me where He’s directing me. I’m willing to go the distance, as long as He makes it clear how He will provide for me in that. I will follow in His footsteps if…

And that’s where He’s been hitting me lately, right in the if.

In chapel, one of our teachers read a simple quote, God plus nothing. At first, I nodded to it, without even applying it to myself. Pretty much, my thought line was, that sounds great. God plus nothing. Why not?

And that’s when He drew my attention. I realized that I don’t truly follow that statement. For me it’s always God plus… It’s God plus safety, God plus provision, God plus people, God plus reassurance… God plus something.

I don’t trust Him enough to put my trust in Him alone.

I may be going in the direction that He has been showing me for my life, but it’s always with those thoughts in the back of my minds. It’s always needing a second opinion about what He’s showing me. I can’t seem to do anything without something extra besides God. My sight is always on the how of getting things done, and not the Who that holds those things, and the whole world, in His hands.

Proverbs 16:3 tells us, Commit your work to the LORD and your plans will be established. If we commit what we do to God, then He will mold our plans into His own, and He always brings about what is best ultimately. That might not mean safety or ease. It could mean disappointment and discouragement. However, God knows the future and He knows what will happen. I need to trust Him in that.

If He shows me a path that seems difficult, my first response needs to not be, how am I going to conquer this? It should be, God’s got this. I’m going to fix my eyes on Him and trust Him.

I don’t want to be like Peter, who took his eyes of Jesus on the water. He let the fear of what he was doing overtake him and looked away from his Savior. That’s when he sank.

Life isn’t about fear. It’s not God plus the waves or God plus the storm. I can’t let the if I’ve leaned on so long to be the factor that controls me when I find myself climbing up a mountain that seems too steep for me. Instead of focusing on the mountain, I want to fixate on my Savior.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

If God has me doing something, then He will make me capable or it. It’s not me that makes it possible or other people’s opinions that matter. It’s simply Him that is what needs to be relied on.

God plus nothing. 

It Could Cost You Your Life

It could cost you your life…

As my teachers talk in class at New Tribes Bible Institute and I think through what I’m learning, this is what I keep coming back to; the realization that if I continue to pursue overseas missions that I could be giving up everything I have ever had. I’m not just talking about the promising and prosperous life in the States that many friends and family seem so sure I’m guaranteed to have if I stay here. I could be giving up the very breath that I breathe. People can, and do, die on the mission field, and I can’t just say something along the lines of, “Oh, that can’t happen to me”, because it could happen to me, as it could to any other missionary on the field. Trying to reach people who have never heard the Gospel of Christ could easily cost me my life.

Ant the more I’ve thought through this, the more I’ve come to realize that I am okay with it costing me my life. Why? Because it already has.

My life is immaterial, nothing more than a breath in eternity. Yet Christ came down from His perfect heaven and died for mere breaths; sinners like me who deserved eternal hell. He took our punishment upon Himself while we rejected Him, and to accept that gift of salvation, all we have to do is believe in Him and what He did for us.

I’ve come to the realization that I want to please the God who did that for all of us. I know that that won’t make a difference in being saved; my works are not what cause my salvation. I’m grateful for the work that He has already completed, and as a follower of Christ I want to live for Him. And if I truly follow in His footsteps, that means I die with Him.

The thing about that is this; I have died with Him. Galatians 2:20 says, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me.

This is why I have come to be okay with the idea of losing my life for this. I no longer belong to myself, I belong to Christ, and nothing better could happen to me. God opened up my eyes to what is Real, and what is Real is Him. I find my identity in Him, and He died for me. Therefore, I will live for Him.

I’m not perfect, nor do I show Christ perfectly. I am still human and still struggle with sin. However, He continues to grow in me and though I know I will never be perfected as long as I live in this human body, He is faithful, as He always has been.

He knows what He has planned for me. That doesn’t mean His plans are going to be easy or simple. That doesn’t mean I won’t get sick or always be safe. What it does mean is that I can rest in Him and His faithfulness. I can rest in the fact that here I serve Him and when I die, I will be with Him.

And that’s something else- I’m going to die someday anyway. It’s a fact of life; no one makes it out alive. So why shouldn’t I spend my life sharing the only thing in this life that has kept me alive. I attempted suicide once, and it is by His grace that I’m here. If it wasn’t for God and what He’s taught me, I have no doubt that I would have tried again. He has given me joy that has stopped me from a second attempt and He reminds me that, though in myself I have not worth, because of the gift of His Son, I have infinite worth. Because He gave me the gift of life, both spiritually and physically, my life is forfeit to His will. I have no qualms about sharing His gift with those who have never heard and have no chance to hear unless someone brings His Word to them.

The best part is that He has given me new life, and it’s His. So yeah, it will cost me my life, and it already has.  

Who Will it Be?

“If not us, tell me who will be, like Jesus, like Jesus to the least of these” –Audio Adrenaline; Kings and Queens

This is a line from one of my favorite songs in the world, but the meaning of it never took full shape until I listened to it today- the first time I heard it since I was an intern at an orphanage in Guatemala. All of the sudden, the lyrics took a new form.

I thought about the work I did this summer, serving the Lord and loving those kids that I miss so much now. I thought about how I did my best to show them Christ’s love for them and that they had worth and a purpose in Him. I couldn’t have done that without going.

There are children all over the world that have never known love or compassion. They’ve never felt the warmth of a hug or seen the gentleness of a smile. They’ll never come to know Christ because no one is there to show Him.

Yet so many of us still sit here, safe at home on our couches, thinking that someone else will reach out to these precious children. We may sponsor a missionary or even a child (And don’t think I’m discouraging those things, they are fantastic) but we never go ourselves. I’m not saying that everyone is called to other countries but there are children facing this problem over the whole world and there are probably some in your home town that you could reach out to. But there is still that excuse- that someone else will go.

What if every person said that?

There would be no one left to go.

There would be no one showing Christ to the lost.

There would be no one to love those broken children.

We as Christians are called to show Christ’s love to everyone. Now whether God is calling to local ministry, ministry within your country or worldwide ministry doesn’t make a difference. We are all called to some type of ministry and when we feel prompted to reach out to the least of these, we need to respond. We can’t just say that someone else will do what God is calling us to. If we won’t shine the light of Christ in the world as God’s children, then who will?

One other line in this song that I am particularly fond of is this- “And just like a drum I can hear their hearts beating/I know my God won’t let them be defeated”. It is true that God won’t let them be defeated by their circumstances, but so often what He uses to rescue them is us.

We have to be willing to follow Him into whatever He has planned.

We need to be ready to be used however He sees fit.

That could be going to a foreign country and working on an orphanage like I did. It could be fostering or adopting a child. It could be as simple as reaching out to that kid that is always alone in your town. The main thing is doing whatever God is leading you towards, no matter the cost.

Because eventually, we’ll run out of people who can say that someone else can do their job.

God has a purpose for every one of us individually. Follow Him and He will never lead you astray. Following His plan for you (I speak from experience in this) not only will change the lives of those He sends you to, but it will change yours as well.

(On a personal note) I know I am not the same since I got back from Guatemala, and I couldn’t be more grateful. I can’t wait to see what He has planned for me and I am ready for Him to send me wherever He deems fit.

Basically, I'm encouraging you to reach out; to show Christ's love however you can and wherever you are lead. There is no greater call than to be Christ to the world and, as Christians, it is a call we all have. 

Leaving Home

I wrote this a while ago, before I left Guatemala, but at the time I was hurting too much. So I’m posting it now, a week or so later and I’m still struggling just as a note.

[So this is a little less lesson and a lot more of just what’s going on. It’s Thursday as I am writing this and I’m leaving Guatemala tomorrow night. And it is breaking my heart. Last night was my last church service here and Katie asked me to speak. So I did. I’ll try to write what I said as close as I remember it.

Hey guys,

I just wanted to thank you guys for the time here and for allowing me to love on you guys. It has been incredible and I’m different because of it. I’ve learned to love more openly and honestly because of you guys.

When I came here, I was not a loving person and I was going to do things here the same way I did it back home. I was going to love ya’ll, but from a distance. I wasn’t going to love you strongly enough to get hurt or so that I would get attached… but… (This is where I started choking up and shaking and almost crying) but I couldn’t do that. From the very first week, I loved you. All of you.

I’ve grown to love every single person in this room. Every one of you means so much to me and it’s going to kill me to leave you. It is breaking my heart and it hurts so much, but know that I wouldn’t change a single moment. I’m praying that God is going to send me back here next year, but I don’t know if that is His plan for me yet. If it was my choice though, I wouldn’t come back next summer. I wouldn’t have to because I would never leave. I’d stay here with all of you.

So I guess what I wanted to say is thank you again. For letting me love you all, and for loving me back. It’s been a blessing. Thank you.

I wish that I had said more, but I couldn’t. I was on the verge of tears and my voice was starting to crack. But every word I said was true. I have learned to love deeper and more sacrificially than I ever have and I will love these kids my whole life, whether God sends me back or not.

It is breaking my heart though. When I started working on packing to go back, I sobbed. How can I leave these kids that have become my world and this place that has become more of a home than anywhere else?

There is one especially that every time I see him, I want to cry. God has laid this one specific child on my heart and at first, I thought; God, You’re crazy. This kids hates me. He glares at me all the time and yells at me (in Korean so I really couldn’t understand him [His old house parents were Korean]) and whenever I have to watch the boys’ house, he makes it clear that he doesn’t want me there from how he treats me. Finally though, I surrendered to His will and started focusing on loving this particular child. At first it was difficult, but I kept working on it and praying for him and after about two weeks, he started to not be so rude towards me, and when he would yell at me, it wasn’t so vehement, and more teasing. If I laughed about it he would smile at me instead of glare. He started picking on me the way the other boys that liked me did and he really started to grow on me. The other day he even came up and hugged me and started talking to me in slow enough Spanish that I would mostly understand. So after making so much progress with him and him finally liking me, I have to leave

Every single child in this place is precious to me. I love them all and nothing in me wants to leave. I don’t want tomorrow to come and ruin all of this. 

Needless to say, emotionally I’m a mess right now. But what I said to the kids last night still stand- despite the pain and the heartbreak, despite the tears, I wouldn’t change a moment and I am so glad that I learned to love these kids fully and completely.]

Now I am back in the United States and I have been for a week and two days… And it feels so… wrong. Wrong to have left the place that I loved and began to think of as home and wrong to have left those kids I love. Still God put me in Guatemala for a reason and He sent me back for a reason. I don’t know what that is, but it know there will be a purpose. I just hope that He chooses to send me back to my Guatemalan home soon.

Loving Dangerously?

So a couple of days ago (Wednesday) my perspective was a little skewed. I wasn’t in a great place spiritually and I had a post all ready about it. I since have come out of that place and had a change of perspective. I was just going to delete what I had written and not post it, but then I decided that I would show where I had been and then talk about what I have realized since then.

Here’s the original post from Wednesday-

[I’m going to admit right now; this is going to be a little different than my normal posts. Normally I post a lesson or something that God has been teaching me, but today this is more of a confession of a struggle of mine that has really been pushed in my face these last couple of days.

When our newest intern came a couple of weeks ago, he and I had a good conversation in the first few days. He talked about what he called “loving dangerously”. By that he meant loving even when you know you are going to get hurt and sacrificing yourself for others.

I thought it was a good theory, but not something I do. I love people, but from a distance. I don’t let myself be close enough to be hurt, because if life has taught me one thing, it’s that everyone leaves eventually. Loving others deeply and allowing yourself to get close only means pain for yourself. That’s how I’ve been the last couple of years. It’s how I think.

But it’s not how I’ve been able to operate here.

I didn’t even realize it, but the other people here started to steal my heart from the first week, especially the kids and the other interns. I fell totally in love with the kids and was finding new and very close friends in the other interns. I was opening up totally to loving others and I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was loving dangerously.

I didn’t realize it until today (Wednesday) when one of the other interns had to go to the hospital. I was scared for and worried about her. I was hurting for her and that’s when I realized how attached I was to everyone here.

I ended up sitting on the roof once again and thinking. I was hurting and mad at myself for it. I kept saying in my head; you know what happens when you get attached to others. You get hurt every time. You’ve learned that in the past. How can you be so stupid to let it happen again? Why open yourself up to this again?

Those thoughts were unrelenting. I was mad at myself for leaving myself vulnerable to this and honestly still kind of am.

I know that it’s far too late to distance myself from the others here, especially the kids. Once I get attached and love someone like that, I can’t stop. And that scares me. I’m leaving in only 9 days from when I’m writing this and I know that it’s going to tear me apart. I have already thought about leaving and how much I hate the idea; how much I want to stay with these children I love so much. Sometime during this month I started thinking of this place as home, and even referring to it as such. After a trip to Antigua with the other interns, I remember saying that I couldn’t wait to get home and sleep. And I meant it. This place has become a home to me because of the people. That’s not normal and very frightening.

And here’s the struggle part- normally in my posts, I’ve overcome something. I’ve learned something and have been able to press on. Not this time though. This time I’m still questioning, still wondering. Even as I type, I wonder whether it was worth getting so attached to the others here. This time I don’t have an answer. I know that as a Christian I am supposed to have those deep relationships, supposed to love sacrificially, but in my heart it’s just not reconciling. Are those deep relationships worth the pain that is inevitably hand in hand with them?

Sorry for the difference in my post. This is what I’m struggling with and I want to be totally honest about it.]

Since then I have realized that, though it’s hard, that is the kind of love we are called to. How could we not be? Christ had that kind of love for us and He gave everything for us. He experienced separation from His Father and that was more pain than we could imagine. He did it because He loves us.

When the intern that had surgery got back, I was so joyful. I was so happy to see that she was ok. I found that the joy of loving others was worth far more than the pain.

In short, God reminded me that being selfless and loving sacrificially is what we’re called to do as His children. We will experience pain in this life, but it will pale in comparison to the joy of when we hear those words-

“Well done, good and faithful servant… Enter into the joy of your master” Matthew 25:21

I think hearing those words is worth far more than worrying about any pain in this temporary life.